Addicted to - Need?

I'm sure this will be a really rambly, all over the place kind of post.  After a very long day of Glee, School Carnival and an early morning parade, I just wanted to go to bed.  I was there, 9:15.. kids tucked in or at least sent that direction, blankets up to my chin, brain settling... "Mommy..."  No!  I'm sleeping, or at least about to be.  Go back to bed!  What???  No, I didn't say any of that, those were just my actual thoughts.  I nicely said "What honey?"  Then a very sad, lip trembling little 4 year old comes to my bedside and tries to tell me why she is upset between her choked back sobs as she tries to not cry.  Bo won't hold her hand.  She can't go to sleep if Bo won't hold her hand.  I pat the bed next to me and she climbs up and snuggles in.  As she lays there, I see her clenching her fists and whispering something.  I ask her what she said and she replies "I'm just talking to myself."  I ask her what she is telling herself and she says this "Don't cry, you're alright!"  I hold her tighter and she takes a deep breath and relaxes.

Is it possible to be addicted to this?  By this, I think I mean the feeling of being needed.  Not just needed, but being the ONE.  The only one who really makes it all better?  I'm having a little anxiety about that as I watch her and Bo grow older and become independent and logical.  What happens when there's no little ones to climb in bed and need you anymore??  I know my big kids still need me and I feel that special bond only a mother knows often with them, but it's different.  They have figured out that I'm not perfect.  Katy and Bo are the only ones left who don't know that yet.  They don't know that kisses really don't make it better or that I've gained 15 lbs this year or that I'm totally making stuff up when they ask me hard questions.


As I lay there holding Katy, my heart actually ached thinking about losing these moments.  She's about to be five.  Five!!  Sure lots of other things have gotten easier as they get older and I have more freedom, I realize that, but how can I just not have these sweet little ones anymore?  No, I don't want to have another baby... I'm not dumb.  To everything there is a season... but I'm not ready for that season to be over.  Mom assures  me that having grandbabies is so great, even better, but I can't say I believe her.  Even a Grandma isn't the ONE.  Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty happy to enter that phase, but I just can't imagine leaving the one I'm about to.  It breaks my heart, literally.  Surely there's a 12 step program for this.

Christmas 2009