What Have I done?

About a year ago, some of my friends started a diet program that seemed unsafe and unrealistic. I was very concerned and not at all supportive. As time went on, more and more and more of my friends were jumping on the band wagon. It was slightly annoying and even frustrating at times and I was still worried about their safety. As even more time went on, they all lost 20lbs and I was still running and counting calories and not losing much at all. I was less concerned with their safety at this point (they all seemed fine) but still felt like it was a cheater way to do it. In reality, it's just a different kind of "hard". The kind of hard I knew I wasn't capable of. I was proud of what I had accomplished and even enjoyed the exercise and how I felt. There was very little temptation to go the other route since I knew, realistically, I would never stick to it's restrictions. So, I plugged along doing what I knew had worked thus far.

After a great experience at the RAGNAR, my friend posted some pictures she had taken. OH MY GOODNESS! What I realized, is that when someone is telling you they are taking your picture, you stand a little taller, turn to just the right angle, pull up your chin and give a good smile. Pictures, not so bad. BUT when you don't know and you see yourself standing around looking normal, ewwww. It was this that put me to tears that day. Every time I thought of how hard I have worked and how tiresome it is, yet I still look like that. Very disheartening. This is when I gave in. I'm tired of "losing weight". I just want to be done with it. 20 more pounds and I would be in the healthy range. I have started the HCG diet. I'm scared and nervous and not at all confident in my abilities. If I'm anything, it's weak in willpower. I'm telling myself that I'm strong enough and that this is temporary and hopefully the end. I can just live and be happy after that without weight hanging over me all the time. Again, I have no idea if I can actually follow through with it, but I'm giving it the old gung-ho.

The first two days are called "load" days. I thought this would be really fun. You eat as much fat as possible. If you don't, you will be hungry and weak in the following weeks of the diet. I looked at this as an opportunity to eat all the things I haven't eaten in the last two years. Yee Haww! Not so. I feel like crap. Not only is my mind not in agreement with eating a Big Mac and Large fries, but my tummy really doesn't like it much either. Instead of spending the day relishing all the yummy forbidden, I spent it gagging down things I thought I loved. I was on the verge of puking all day. I didn't sleep well due to the very uncomfortable feeling I had in my throat (I'm sure there was still food that hadn't made it to my tummy yet). I woke with the dread of having to start eating again. So, by 8 am I'm again sick to my stomach and dreading the day. It seems rational to think "stop eating" or "eat healthy for a little bit", but the one thing drilled into my head was "if you don't load right, you will be miserable and won't lose as much weight". I'm sure after a few days of the diet I will long for a load day, but right now it just feels awful.

In closing, I want to be very clear that I'm aware of how good I've done and how much better I look than I did, but.....It's not enough. I would really appreciate NO comments telling me I already look great blah blah blah. I could however, use a lot of prayers that I can DO this!