The Battle Rages

I am my own worst enemy. Cliche, but true. I'm such a quitter when things get hard. I'm sure that's why I'm not a better runner by now. I like to stay where things are comfortable. I saw this weekend that I have passed this trait on to one of my children and it saddens me deeply. Even while entering middle age, I still do battle with my mind. Why can't I master this? My other trait of hating to lose also makes this especially frustrating.

Battle of the Day - Stupid diet. Everyone knows dieting is hard, no question there. Life would be dreamy is chocolate were as good for you as broccoli and bread was good like apples, but they're not. I'm 2 lbs away from hitting my 20 lb goal and 6 from hitting my original goal weight. I should be ecstatic, I should be flying high breezing through these next few days. Instead, I'm grouchy and testy and spend most of my time being bitter that I can't eat pasta or cookies. Seriously, I have been losing 2 lbs a day, that's crazy! My brain just wants to quit, to throw in the towel and have a brownie. Isn't that how I got fat in the first place? This is the battle that rages within every single day. Some days I feel like I'm destined to be fat, it's too hard to be healthy. Then I remember all the things I have accomplished and how good I feel physically and remind myself I wasn't happy being fat. I ate a lot and that seemed fun, but I wasn't happy. I'm really not happy not eating and dieting all the time either. Somehow, there must be a "happy" range where I can still eat pasta and cookies, yet be able to finish a half marathon if I wanted to. I desperately need to find that place. For now, I'm continuing to fight this battle with myself determined to win and chastising myself for being so pitiful and weak. Once I hit my goal, I'm on to LIFE. No more thinking about it day in and day out. I'm going to find that happy place even if it means gaining a few pounds back. I don't have the energy to spend this much time worrying about my weight. One thing I'm sure of, I'm not going to lose this battle!