Puttin it all out There

I don't know if this is appropriate or  not, but I just feel like I need to do it.  I don't believe in airing out your grievances on FB or posting your most personal moments for the world to see, but this is my world here and I feel the need to share.

My son smokes pot.  There, I said it.  It's ugly and embarrassing and disappointing, but it's my reality right now.  He's had issues in the past that we thought were behind us and apparently are not.  Lately there have been several situations that just didn't make sense to me.  I wasn't convinced we were going down this road again, but I knew things weren't right.  When we got the call from our Bishop that he's had a few reports that he was doing drugs again, I wasn't surprised.  Mad, but not surprised.

When we confronted him, he was completely honest and open about the whole thing.  Surprisingly calm and casual as he gave us the details of who he did it with, where he got it and his thoughts behind it all.  I was not shocked at all with who he had been doing it with.  As a mom, you sometimes just  know things and I had known things weren't good with this one boy.  Anyway, he said they were all "slowly" trying to stop.  He liked it because it helps him to "chill".  Really, no kid like him needs anymore "chill" in his life.  He does nothing.  Not a sport or a hobby or job or anything.  Barely passing school and nothing from 3 till bedtime.  Please tell me what is so stressful in that life that you need help "chilling".  We let him know that there would be no tolerance for that and he would have to find somewhere else to live if he wants to continue on in that way.  Of course, he says he'll stop.  The only problem with that is that he thinks it's totally harmless so the only reason he is stopping is because we said so.  I don't see any longevity in that.

After talking to one of the boys mom's, it became clear as to why he was so casual about it.  They had done research and determined pot wasn't even actually a drug.  Doesn't kill your brain cells or anything, totally harmless.  The government even says it's safe, it's legal in many places after all.  And of course, he's different then all those other people who get hooked on drugs.  Not going to happen to him.  Sickening I tell ya.

His girlfriends dad invited he and Glade over for a little chat in which he told him to never call her, text her, visit her, etc.  He would not tolerate any more.  I think I've only ever seen him cry twice in his whole life, and tonight was one of them.  Now he's lost his one true love.  It was seriously heartbreaking.  But don't you see, pot solves all your problems, right??  My prayer is that he is now at rock bottom.  It was a little frightening to think how he would handle that, but he's doing pretty well so far.  He admits to not having any real feelings about the church, which also isn't shocking.  He says he wants to believe, but just can't seem to feel anything.  I suggested that maybe it was the filthy music he was listening to, or the friends he was getting high  with or even the terrible language he uses that was keeping him from "feeling it".

He has agreed to try to bring himself out of this pit he's dug for himself and clean things up.  He made calls to all the friends he was smoking with and told them he was done.  He went in, on his own, and talked to his Seminary teacher and told him what was going on and asked for help/advice.  He has agreed to meet with the missionaries a couple times a week to really learn what the gospel is about since he's spent the last 14 years sleeping through church.  He was even a little excited about that part.  I have no idea what his future holds, but at least for now he hasn't completely given up.

As for me, how do I feel about it all?  It sucks.  I look at most of the other families of the boys involved and you can see how those kids got mixed up in drugs.  Not surprising.  But what about my family.  Are we THAT family?  Am I missing something? I know I sound judgmental and maybe I am, but do people hear the news and say "you could see that one coming"?  Honestly, I'm just tired and selfish. I don't want to lay awake at night worrying about it.  I don't want to wonder what he's doing when he says he has to be somewhere.   The natural me wants to lock him in his room and be his parole officer every minute of the day, but I just don't have the energy.  I have given him more freedom than I was comfortable with in hopes he would do something good with it.  Well, he didn't.  Have I taken his freedom away?  Nope, not even grounded.  It doesn't help. He suggested I take away his debit card, but then he would just steal, just like before.  He has always maintained he will get what he wants regardless of what we say or what we do.  I was a little bit like that as a teenager my self so I get it.  He's right, I can't really stop him.  So I'm not making myself crazy about it.  We talk, we encourage and we will test.  We. Will. Test.  If it's positive, it's not going to be pretty.  Right down ugly actually.  But we will stand firm, no drugs in our home.

There are some people who have to learn from a knock on the head.  I'm afraid he might be one of those people.  We love him and we have cared for him and taught him and forgiven him and now it's time to let him learn the natural way.  I pray it will not come to that, but right now I just don't know.  What I know is that we have done everything we know how to do.  If he chooses that life, it will not be because he didn't know better.  Not because he didn't see people he knew and loved suffer deeply for making those same bad choices.  Not because his parents didn't care.. but because he chose it.