Where's the Lesson?

I feel like I'm pretty good at looking for the growth or the "lesson" in the challenges that come into my life.  I want to learn from them, grow from them and then move on.  This weekend I had an experience that is leaving me empty on how this "works for my good".  I will spare you the details, but in short...I was the first one to arrive on the scene of a fatal head on collision on our way back from camping.  It was really awful and my little ones were in the car with me and saw way too much.  Once we were finally able to get through the wreckage and head back to Payson, I had time to contemplate all that had just happened.  Because we were heading to the park for our big 4th of July picnic and lots of people were there, I never had time to really process and be sad about all that had occurred.  I fought back tears most of the afternoon and evening and sometimes wasn't so successful, but it wasn't an appropriate time to deal with it.  I couldn't hold back, however, when as Katy lay on my lap trying to go to sleep, she mentions that she can't stop thinking about the car crash and that maybe if the fireworks would start, she would be able to stop thinking about it.

The next day (after a terrible nights sleep), I was busy and distracted and was feeling like I was good, I was past the emotional part of it and now I could just move on.  I was wrong.  At mutual, unfortunately with all my Laurels right there, it all came out.  We had an amazing presentation on patriotism and the flag and the story behind the writing of the National Anthem.  Then they played the most beautiful rendition of the song I have ever heard.  That song always bring my emotions to the surface but tonight was different.  I felt the pride and love and.... like I was going to puke.  It was so weird and confusing and by the end I really felt sick.  During the closing prayer, the tears started to fall and that was the beginning .

I quietly went out the front door out into the dust storm we were having and let it all out.  It was a little scary and I felt completely awful that my own children had to see me like that.  I guess I just needed to cry it out.  Whitley called Glade to let him know she was worried and ask him to come home.  He called a couple of our good friends who came over to give me a blessing.  I'm so blessed to have so many loving people around me.  It was a really long night and my head was killing me, but I think the worst is over.  I'm still plagued by the questions of why was it me and why couldn't I help someone and why couldn't I "do" anything.  Hopefully I can let that go, I'm sure it could eat me up if I let it.  Life happens and it's not always good.  My greatest relief is that it was not me with my littlest children in that accident, for a moment or two difference in time and it would have been.  I know there are so many who have experienced similar things, every accident has a "first on the scene", but it's always someone else.  I'll be fine and I pray that that horrible hour will seep out of little Katy's mind as well.  I'm comforted to know that as they cried and waited in the van, they immediately turned to the Lord, I shall do the same.