try try again

I got on a treadmill again last night.  It's been six months since I stopped running.  Painful I tell ya... in more ways than one.  I believe I hurt my back by falling on a grape.  It was completely cartoonish. Walking and "bam" on my butt feet in the air.  It didn't hurt that bad, but with all the running I did in the the next 10 days (RAGNAR), I think it aggravated it and it's been bad ever since. I've tried just pushing through it, I've tried doing nothing to let it heal, I've been to a chiropractor and even fasted and prayed.  Glade gave me a blessing that promised I would be whole again.  I guess I expected that to happen right away, but it didn't.  I listened to a woman in church give a wonderful talk just for me about miracles and blessings and patience.  I believe in all of those, but struggle with the last.  But I decided that would just be what I had to be.

Besides the back pain, I've had the emotional pain of hearing everyone around me talk about their runs and times and routes.  I just sit think about what used to be.  Quite depressing.  Then there's the getting fat part.  I can't blame all of that on my sadness, but it makes it extra hard when everything physical causes pain.  I've had several days recently where my back actually feels good.  After thinking and looking and longing for my treadmill, I decided to get on.  I have completely lost all of my fitness, which I expected, so it was really hard.  BUT, it didn't hurt.  I only went two miles and only actually ran 3/4 of a mile separated by walking breaks.  Yep, 1/4 mile at a time.  Starting all over is hard on the brain. BUT, it didn't hurt.  The last time I tried, my back hurt really bad for the next 2 days.  So far so good today!

I mostly long to feel strong and competent again.  Being that girl who can't lift anything or move anything or DO anything because "my back hurts" totally sucks.  I'm going to go really slow and build back up to something... what I don't know yet.  If all goes well, back to running events and enjoying it.  I miss running with my husband. :(  It was slow, but it was a start!  I'm back on the track, not sitting on the sides.  Let's just pray I stay there.