Brrrrrr

Last night I sat out in the wind (very cold wind) and watched while Stephen and Nick played ball. I had 2 shirts and a jacket with my hood up and I just couldn't quit shivering. I guess if the wind stopped, so did I. I'm pretty much not happy with any weather, if it had been hot, I'd have whined about that too. Glade says I have about a 3 degree comfort zone. I might have to agree. They didn't win and both got hit by pitched balls. Stephen didn't take it that well. He had a rough inning before catching and just needed a minute I guess. At the end of the game, he declares "it was my fault we lost!". That is so irritating to me! Yes, he made a bad choice during a play and some runs scored. BUT, what about the other kids involved in that play? What about all the people who struck out. What about the pitcher who walked 3 kids in a row. It takes a whole team to lose. Knock it off! I didn't let him have a chance to wallow. I was very happy when it was over and I could get into my car, warm up and then turn on the A/C.

Observation of the day. I am aware that I'm too critical and I try to keep that in check, but...doesn't everyone have a few things that just baffle and confuse and in this case, gross you out? I sat between two women at the game. Both were wearing brand name clothes, gaudy sunglasses and had very "colored" hair. Big rings, painted toes, you know what I mean. Very classy and well put together looking. Then it was all ruined. Both sucked, chomped and spit sunflower seeds through the whole game. EWWWWW! I think it's nasty for anyone to do it, don't get me wrong. The chewing, the spitting, the pieces left behind on their teeth, the nasty pile on the ground....it's just gross ....and very unlady like.

My diet is still going well. Last night I attended a friend's Bunko and endured large pieces of German Chocolate Cake, Rice Krispie treats and a bowl of Peanut M&M's right in front of me. Didn't cheat once. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I went with the assumption it would be like that so I had prepared myself. Down a total of 6 lbs now. The only place I can see a difference is in my ring finger. Can't hardly keep my ring on. Guess that means a new one! Looks like we are going to Vegas in a couple of weeks so I may end the diet 3 days early, depending on how it's going. I do want to thank those of you that have been so supportive and encouraging, it means a lot. Onward and downward!

It's Working

As of today, I'm down 5 lbs after 3 full days of the system. I still feel good and wasn't even too tempted to eat one of the very delectable brownies that were stuck right under my nose after pack meeting. I spend more time cooking than normal and eat things I normally wouldn't and use spices I've never even purchased before, but those are all good things. Today I "fried" my chicken and cucumbers together with some onion flakes and salt and pepper. It wasn't super great, but not too bad either. I ate the rest of my cucumber in a dressing mix I made with apple cider vinegar and stevia. Stephen took these to school and gave a few to one of his friends. His friend replied with "I want to live at your house!". So, we've been able to come up with some creative ways to eat the same old boring food. Last night we coated our fish with lemon juice and crushed up Melba toast then baked it. I don't even love fish, but it wasn't bad. There has been question as to whether or not you can eat broccoli and cauliflower so we are only using them very occasionally. We made cauliflower into "potatoes" with our stake and covered them with gravy and it was good and even felt like a warm, yummy meal. Still feel strong at this point.

Pack meeting went ok last night despite my lack of preparation. It certainly wasn't one of my best and it makes me really uncomfortable to be up there when I know I didn't prepare like I should have. After pack meeting, we had our cub meeting and then the big scout meeting after that. I guess it's good to get it all in at one time.

This morning I was able to watch last night's Biggest Loser while on the treadmill. I only ran 2 miles and technically I walk/ran it, but it pooped me out a little. I'm not sure if it was the diet or the fact that I haven't run in a week or if I was just overly sensitive because of the situation. I'm not sure it's good to burn 300 of the only 500 you eat all day. I will have to play with it and see how it makes me feel. I felt fine today, just winded.

More cold, which I love. Expecting rain again this afternoon, but it's sunny right now. I can't say I'm looking forward to the heat, but my kids are really growing out of their winter clothes. Not buying them new ones at this point. Spring break is next week so we are going to get A LOT done. I'm very excited about this. Not only will it make the week go by faster, but maybe I won't walk through my house shaking my head at all the little "clutters" here and there. I should start making a list....

3 days

Finally finished the gorging, holy crap. I won't lie, Olive Garden never tasted as good as it did that last night! Sunday, the first day of 500 calories was really tough. Sunday dinner: meat, potatoes, rolls, deserts galore....it's wasn't easy. It doesn't help that it's just out all the time, the whole night. But, we made it through and survived! The next couple of days haven't been that hard. I've tried a couple of the recipes and they are quite good! Seriously, Melba toast into gravy? Nice! I've only been a little hungry, but nothing bad. If I sit and think about all the things I can't have, I start to wonder how I'm going to make it, but then I snap out of it. I gained 4 lbs on the load days, which is expected, and have lost 7 since then. Basically I'm down 3 lbs in 2 days from where I started. That's encouraging. It's still a very long road ahead, but right now I feel confident. I look at clothes in the stores and think "one month and I can buy those!"

Life right now pretty much just consists of me running kids around to different activities. There won't be a whole lot to post about except who won what game etc. Chelsey set a PR for pole vaulting on Friday! She was really excited. Whitley has an injured knee and hasn't been able to participate like she wanted too. Stephen and Nick are both doing well for baseball and Bo and Brooklyn just barely started. Bo was very cute when he went to his first practice. His coach told him probably ten times what a good arm he had. He already knew that though cuz on the way, he told me he didn't know the rules, but that was OK because he had arms. Gotta love t-ball. Stephen made it to the state Geography Bee again. Glade is probably going to Vegas to run a half iron man before he does the full in July. We are go go go right now. I guess that's a good thing, but I haven't been super disappointed to have all the rain lately (lots of canceled events).

Tonight is pack meeting and I didn't prepare like I should have, but hopefully I can pull it all together. With that said, I should probably get to work on that!

What Have I done?

About a year ago, some of my friends started a diet program that seemed unsafe and unrealistic. I was very concerned and not at all supportive. As time went on, more and more and more of my friends were jumping on the band wagon. It was slightly annoying and even frustrating at times and I was still worried about their safety. As even more time went on, they all lost 20lbs and I was still running and counting calories and not losing much at all. I was less concerned with their safety at this point (they all seemed fine) but still felt like it was a cheater way to do it. In reality, it's just a different kind of "hard". The kind of hard I knew I wasn't capable of. I was proud of what I had accomplished and even enjoyed the exercise and how I felt. There was very little temptation to go the other route since I knew, realistically, I would never stick to it's restrictions. So, I plugged along doing what I knew had worked thus far.

After a great experience at the RAGNAR, my friend posted some pictures she had taken. OH MY GOODNESS! What I realized, is that when someone is telling you they are taking your picture, you stand a little taller, turn to just the right angle, pull up your chin and give a good smile. Pictures, not so bad. BUT when you don't know and you see yourself standing around looking normal, ewwww. It was this that put me to tears that day. Every time I thought of how hard I have worked and how tiresome it is, yet I still look like that. Very disheartening. This is when I gave in. I'm tired of "losing weight". I just want to be done with it. 20 more pounds and I would be in the healthy range. I have started the HCG diet. I'm scared and nervous and not at all confident in my abilities. If I'm anything, it's weak in willpower. I'm telling myself that I'm strong enough and that this is temporary and hopefully the end. I can just live and be happy after that without weight hanging over me all the time. Again, I have no idea if I can actually follow through with it, but I'm giving it the old gung-ho.

The first two days are called "load" days. I thought this would be really fun. You eat as much fat as possible. If you don't, you will be hungry and weak in the following weeks of the diet. I looked at this as an opportunity to eat all the things I haven't eaten in the last two years. Yee Haww! Not so. I feel like crap. Not only is my mind not in agreement with eating a Big Mac and Large fries, but my tummy really doesn't like it much either. Instead of spending the day relishing all the yummy forbidden, I spent it gagging down things I thought I loved. I was on the verge of puking all day. I didn't sleep well due to the very uncomfortable feeling I had in my throat (I'm sure there was still food that hadn't made it to my tummy yet). I woke with the dread of having to start eating again. So, by 8 am I'm again sick to my stomach and dreading the day. It seems rational to think "stop eating" or "eat healthy for a little bit", but the one thing drilled into my head was "if you don't load right, you will be miserable and won't lose as much weight". I'm sure after a few days of the diet I will long for a load day, but right now it just feels awful.

In closing, I want to be very clear that I'm aware of how good I've done and how much better I look than I did, but.....It's not enough. I would really appreciate NO comments telling me I already look great blah blah blah. I could however, use a lot of prayers that I can DO this!

the Smell of Heat

One of my very favorite things to do is lay down for naps with my two little ones. I know what you're thinking, I like my naps. Well, you'de be right, but that's not really what I'm talking about. Everyday, we lay in my bed with Bo on one arm and Katy on the other and this is how we fall asleep. I love it. Lately, however, it's not been that pleasant. I'm sure I've made my view on the sun well known, not my favorite thing. This is just one more reason the heat gets on my nerves. Since it's been in the mid 70's the past little while, the kids are outside a lot. Then when they come in for naps and snuggle up, their heads stink like "heat". It's rather gross. And, because they are on both sides of me, I have nowhere to turn to escape it. Yuck. I guess bath time might need to start being in the middle of the day. Blech!

My Final Birthday

I'm 39. The eternal birthday. Actually I'm ok with my age. I have to admit 40 doesn't really sound that great, but it's all relative, right? I feel better at 39 than I probably have most of my adult life. That has to say something! Woke this morning to lots of hugs and happy wishes from my kids and then headed off to breakfast with Glade. The big girls stayed home from school to watch the babies. They also made brownies which I spent most of the day nibbling on. Not so good. Facebook is great for reminding people that it's your birthday so my email was flooded with nice sentiments. My cell was also busy with nice texts and a few calls. I love my birthday. It's not the big fanfare or balloons or gifts, it's just people thinking of you and taking the time to let you know. That's what makes a birthday great. Glade bought me several cards, one of which sings the song "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" and wishes me luck in achieving my dreams. That's a long standing joke and was quite enjoyable to receive. He's the best! I can't say I was looking forward to my birthday this year, just too busy to make it fun, but it's turned out pretty good. Thanks to all those who helped make it that way. I truly love you all.

just a few of the Ragnar photos

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