first day of school - bigger kids

I missed blogging this special day! 

Rhett and Brooklyn started a week later than everyone else because the school wasn't quite ready to open.  

 Rhett's first day of High School

 Brooklyn - 8th grade

the Feeling

This will probably be the most vague and nonsensical post I've ever written.  Because I 1) don't really know exactly what I'm trying to say and 2) even if I did, I probably would still be vague.  So here goes.  It started last Saturday.  This feeling.  I don't know what it is or what it means, but it's distracting.  And quite honestly, uncomfortable.  I had a really "cry baby" Sunday while at a very emotional set of church meetings.  That happens sometimes.  The feeling just won't seem to go away.  I, of course, have tried to examine all the possibilities for this and even said a prayer or two.  Last night while driving to the Temple and enduring this feeling, I just wanted to puke it out. Isn't that gross?  Strange?  I know!  But that's what I felt like, if I could just throw up this feeling, I could feel normal again.  What I want most is for it to go away, whether by explanation or acceptance or whatever, just get on with it already!  The longer it lasts the more I wonder if I have created it, you know cuz I'm a little crazy like that.  Did I make a mountain out of a molehill?  As I sit, I feel that same "pressure" in my chest and queasiness in my stomach.  I haven't talked about it to anyone..as much as I've wanted to.. because it feels so obscure and personal that I know I would make no sense.  So I chose to "journal" it. If I ever figure it out or if it just goes away, I'll be sure to update. Ü

I got Nothin

Last night as I was driving home from the Temple, I had all these thoughts I wanted to share with someone.  But I was alone.  I thought "I could FB that and see what happens".  Then I thought "I'm really weird". Then I thought "Maybe I should just do a rambling blog post about all the crazy things I think".  Yah, that's it!!  Then I woke up this morning to do that and couldn't really remember all my great thoughts from last night.  Bummer.

Last night we went to the Temple to see a family in our ward have their little boy sealed to them.  It was crazy hard getting there with it being scout/mutual night but I did it!  While there, I bumped into Chelsey and Spencer.  How fun to just randomly be there at the same time.  I also ran into a friend of mine going in with her son who's leaving on a mission in two days.  She made the comment "this is what Heaven must be like".  I whole heartedly agree!  After, Glade and I went to get ice cream which is traditional for us after a Temple visit.  It was the drive home from there that inspired my now disappointing blog post. Ü

So in an attempt to get my last week down without so much typing, here's a sampling of our first week of fall break:

- bought 4 new pair of running shoes
- taken my kids running twice so far
- had FHE at the park with many great friends
- delivered 10 Phantom Ghost plates
- found butternut squash ravioli
- Had and outing with one of my longest BFFs, loved it!
- Halloween Bunko, where I served the ravioli
- brunch with Mom
- temple visit
- bought two Christmas gifts

That was me, my kids have mostly stayed home and played video games all day.  Other than when I make them go run.  Pathetic I know.  They've participated in some of my shopping and of course all the fun stuff but mostly been couch potatoes.  If it weren't still 100 degrees I might plan an outing or two!  Tonight we all have play practice and tomorrow is promising to be a great day for a Costco run. ♥

Puttin it all out There

I don't know if this is appropriate or  not, but I just feel like I need to do it.  I don't believe in airing out your grievances on FB or posting your most personal moments for the world to see, but this is my world here and I feel the need to share.

My son smokes pot.  There, I said it.  It's ugly and embarrassing and disappointing, but it's my reality right now.  He's had issues in the past that we thought were behind us and apparently are not.  Lately there have been several situations that just didn't make sense to me.  I wasn't convinced we were going down this road again, but I knew things weren't right.  When we got the call from our Bishop that he's had a few reports that he was doing drugs again, I wasn't surprised.  Mad, but not surprised.

When we confronted him, he was completely honest and open about the whole thing.  Surprisingly calm and casual as he gave us the details of who he did it with, where he got it and his thoughts behind it all.  I was not shocked at all with who he had been doing it with.  As a mom, you sometimes just  know things and I had known things weren't good with this one boy.  Anyway, he said they were all "slowly" trying to stop.  He liked it because it helps him to "chill".  Really, no kid like him needs anymore "chill" in his life.  He does nothing.  Not a sport or a hobby or job or anything.  Barely passing school and nothing from 3 till bedtime.  Please tell me what is so stressful in that life that you need help "chilling".  We let him know that there would be no tolerance for that and he would have to find somewhere else to live if he wants to continue on in that way.  Of course, he says he'll stop.  The only problem with that is that he thinks it's totally harmless so the only reason he is stopping is because we said so.  I don't see any longevity in that.

After talking to one of the boys mom's, it became clear as to why he was so casual about it.  They had done research and determined pot wasn't even actually a drug.  Doesn't kill your brain cells or anything, totally harmless.  The government even says it's safe, it's legal in many places after all.  And of course, he's different then all those other people who get hooked on drugs.  Not going to happen to him.  Sickening I tell ya.

His girlfriends dad invited he and Glade over for a little chat in which he told him to never call her, text her, visit her, etc.  He would not tolerate any more.  I think I've only ever seen him cry twice in his whole life, and tonight was one of them.  Now he's lost his one true love.  It was seriously heartbreaking.  But don't you see, pot solves all your problems, right??  My prayer is that he is now at rock bottom.  It was a little frightening to think how he would handle that, but he's doing pretty well so far.  He admits to not having any real feelings about the church, which also isn't shocking.  He says he wants to believe, but just can't seem to feel anything.  I suggested that maybe it was the filthy music he was listening to, or the friends he was getting high  with or even the terrible language he uses that was keeping him from "feeling it".

He has agreed to try to bring himself out of this pit he's dug for himself and clean things up.  He made calls to all the friends he was smoking with and told them he was done.  He went in, on his own, and talked to his Seminary teacher and told him what was going on and asked for help/advice.  He has agreed to meet with the missionaries a couple times a week to really learn what the gospel is about since he's spent the last 14 years sleeping through church.  He was even a little excited about that part.  I have no idea what his future holds, but at least for now he hasn't completely given up.

As for me, how do I feel about it all?  It sucks.  I look at most of the other families of the boys involved and you can see how those kids got mixed up in drugs.  Not surprising.  But what about my family.  Are we THAT family?  Am I missing something? I know I sound judgmental and maybe I am, but do people hear the news and say "you could see that one coming"?  Honestly, I'm just tired and selfish. I don't want to lay awake at night worrying about it.  I don't want to wonder what he's doing when he says he has to be somewhere.   The natural me wants to lock him in his room and be his parole officer every minute of the day, but I just don't have the energy.  I have given him more freedom than I was comfortable with in hopes he would do something good with it.  Well, he didn't.  Have I taken his freedom away?  Nope, not even grounded.  It doesn't help. He suggested I take away his debit card, but then he would just steal, just like before.  He has always maintained he will get what he wants regardless of what we say or what we do.  I was a little bit like that as a teenager my self so I get it.  He's right, I can't really stop him.  So I'm not making myself crazy about it.  We talk, we encourage and we will test.  We. Will. Test.  If it's positive, it's not going to be pretty.  Right down ugly actually.  But we will stand firm, no drugs in our home.

There are some people who have to learn from a knock on the head.  I'm afraid he might be one of those people.  We love him and we have cared for him and taught him and forgiven him and now it's time to let him learn the natural way.  I pray it will not come to that, but right now I just don't know.  What I know is that we have done everything we know how to do.  If he chooses that life, it will not be because he didn't know better.  Not because he didn't see people he knew and loved suffer deeply for making those same bad choices.  Not because his parents didn't care.. but because he chose it.

Desert Twilight

Not a single picture. *sad face*  Last night was the annual Nike Desert Twilight XC race.  Because we are a charter school, we weren't allowed to race with the other public schools.  So our kids raced in the community race.  Kinda stinky, but at least they got to run.  The race is huge!  They had races starting every 15 min from 4 pm to 9 pm.  People come from all over the state and sometimes even neighboring states to run this race.  It's a lot of fun to watch all the competition.

This was Brooklyn's first race.  She started cross country and has improved so much.  She went from running about 20 feet to being able to run 2 1/2 miles without stopping.  She is really slow, like really slow, but I'm just so proud of her for sticking with it.  She's even lost a little weight. She was able to run with all the other junior high teams for some reason and came in last.  BUT, she finished five minutes faster than she had ever run it before.  She was just under 20 min for a mile and a half.

Dalin, who is too young to actually be on the team has been running on the treadmill almost everyday after school.  He ran 3 miles in 28 min one day.  We let him run the community race as well.  He was hilarious waiting at the starting line.  Many people were running out a ways and coming back to warm up.  He began doing that as well. Then we noticed him doing burpees right there on the start line.  He was very serious.  Then he kind of got bumped off the front line so he went clear to the very end just so he could be in front.  Seriously cracking me up.  He had a rude awakening about running on land vs. the treadmill though.  He had a tough time.  Now, he finished in just over 30 min. but he was very disappointed and in tears by the time I got to him at the finish line.  He was experiencing that "i'm gonna puke, I can't breathe, maybe I'll pass out" sort of feeling for the first time.  I just laughed and hugged him.  He took off too fast trying to keep up with Rhett and then was just plain pooped.  He said he even fell down from exhaustion while he was running.  Apparently he got himself up and kept going, but he was freaked out a little.  I assured him everything he was feeling was normal and how great he did.  He's very anxious to get on the team.

Rhett surprised us all.  I had him come watch some of the older boys at the finish line so he could see how hard they were running and how so many get passed when they think they are good and then someone blows by them right at the finish line.  I was a little worried about him because we had been there for so long before he raced and I'm not sure how much candy he ate while we were there.  I never even saw him at the start line.  I feared he was over by the DJ bustin a move and missed his race.  A friend assured me she saw him take off.  Well, about 21 min in, we see Rhett coming up the home stretch.  No way!  He had never finished faster than close to 23:30 this far.  He was over 2 minutes faster.  He finished at 21:26.  This day he looked like a kid who just gave it everything when he crossed the line.  That's not been the case this far.  I just wanted to grab him and hug him.  Well, I actually did.. then I let him catch his breath and walk around a bit.  He was really pumped about his time and vowed to never run a 23 again.  On our way to the car, the very fastest kids were starting their race and he commented that in a couple of years, that was going to be him.  I love it.♥

Glade and I have been running as well.  I am just now getting off the treadmill and outside.  It's tough.  I've been able to get 3 miles but I'm really pooped at that point.  I can't decide if I want to shoot for further or faster at this point.  I'm pretty slow.  Glade is trying to get to 13 miles in the next few weeks to help a friend of ours out in his 100 mile run.  I told Stephen and Nick they are going to start training for the Turkey Trot since they have fall break for the next few weeks.  Maybe this year we can all run with a purpose instead of just showing up.  2 more months!

Homecoming 2012

Stephen and Nick both asked girls to Homecoming.  They were even lucky enough to be in the same group.  After a little encouragement, they all agreed to forgo a restaurant and let me do dinner for them here at the house. It was a crazy stressful day and I was gone almost the whole time, but my mom and Whitley came through and got everything decorated so pretty and got the food going while I attended to my other commitments.  They were truly heroes for the day! We made a simple meal of steak, potatoes and corn with rolls and cheesecake for dessert.  We had one boy who fought us on the whole thing even stating he was afraid I would "mess it up".  Well, his date was the one who commented "this is better than a restaurant!".  He whispered to Stephen "I underestimated your mom."  Thank you.Ü

 

Nick and Hailey Long

 Stephen and Sadie Slade

 Stephen is going to make a great husband, he never fusses about having to hold the purses.

 Lindsey Sanders, Chad Miller, Madi Colby, Seth Miller, Sadie Slade, Stephen, Hailey Long, Nick, Brie Shilling and Addison Cox

Leader of the Month

Katy was the first one chosen in her class to be the "leader of the Month".  She thought it was just no big deal, but was excited to have a new water bottle AND that it was filled with candy.  During her parent/teacher conference, the teacher had nothing but great things to say about her.  A friend of mine who works in her class tell me regularly that she's the best one in there.  I took all that pretty loosely because they are in kindergarten and most kids are still really great at that age.  But apparently, she really is great!  Of course, I already knew that. Ü