Recovering from Sending off a Missionary

I'm alive and I barely  cry!!  The first week was rough, not knowing when he might be able to send an email.  Knowing he was sick when he left and I can't check on him or take care of him.  I was sure he was fine, but the mom in me just wanted to call the MTC and have someone tell me he was fine.  But I didn't.  The first email finally came on Tuesday morning.  Actually a written letter came the day before, but we didn't get the mail till morning.  So I left for Summer Movies very excited to have gotten a letter!  Then, during the movie, his first email came through.  THEN, later that day... pictures!!  It was a great day!

And of course, he was doing great and seemed so happy.  I had written him using Dearelder.com about every other day.  That was probably more for me than him.  Brooklyn and I put together a greenie box for him as well.  In his email he said he would be leaving the following Monday for Hawaii.  And he gets to call while at the airport!

Once contact had been made, things goT a whole lot easier.  Monday actually came around quickly and we waited for that phone call for an hour and a half!  Finally , the phone rang.  We got to talk to him for 20 min.  I tried to remember all the questions I had had and also to let him tell all the things he'd been wanting to share.  Awesome awesome awesome!  He's doing really good and is so focused and confident.  He got to email me once he landed in Hawaii to let me know he was safe.  Then the next day we got another letter in the mail.  It was a bit repetitive because he wrote it before he called, but I absolutely loved it.  Now his P-day (preparation days) are on Mondays.  That's when we will get our weekly email.  Knowing he's actually there and when I will get to hear from him releases a lot of anxiety.

I still cry randomly, at weird times when I least expect it.  But not as much and not usually for long periods of time like before.  I still cry if I imagine him walking away at the airport, but I try not to do that too regularly.  I cried in church Sunday as I looked down the bench and acknowledged that his "usual" spot was empty.  I hear stuff like that happens the whole time they are gone.  But at least it's bearable now.  I also know there will be good and bad days.  And that he'll have hard times and I have to let him learn and grow and figure stuff out without me.  I'm trying to brace myself now, before those times happen.  I will post his letters and pictures  HERE.  As hard as this has been for me, there's not one thing I would change.  What a proud mom I am to have a son willing and worthy to go share the gospel with God's children.  I wouldn't want him anywhere else. ♥

Sending off a Missionary

I'm sure this post will be excessively long and probably very scrambled, BUT...I think I can finally do it with dry eyes.  Where to start....

The Everyday

The last days leading up to Stephen leaving were really awkward.  We wanted to be normal and busy and yet there's this heavy feeling in the air because you know it's a good thing, but it's also a bit sad.  He wanted to spend time with Taylor (the girlfriend) and all his other friends.. a lot.  This is not surprising, but at the same time, I wanted him to be home with me.  But to do what?  Watch me fold laundry?  So I would feel bad if he was here while his friends were doing something and he was just sitting here.  And as time really drew near, it seemed weird to do everyday normal things, but what else do we do?  He was out of school the last week before he actually left, so it was just him and me for most of it.  The decision I ultimately came to was that if we really weren't doing anything, he could be with friends.  And for most of the "normal" things we did, I let him invite Taylor to come along.  I remember being the "girlfriend" and I so appreciated his family letting me tag along to spend those last days with him.  NO, we didn't end up marrying, but at the time, those things don't matter.  It feels like your whole world.  I didn't really mind having her along, she's a sweet girl.  But sometimes I really just wanted him all to myself.

So the last week, we went to the Temple together about every other day.  We went to the Mesa temple one day since he'd never been in that one.  He came to work with me in the temple on Thursday.  I loved having him there!  He performed baptisms, did confirmations and basically any other job the priesthood have.  It made me happy.  A few of his friends came in that day so he was able to baptize them as well.

I took him grocery shopping and tried to help him know how to determine cheapest price and talk about what things are worth spending extra on and what things are really just unhealthy.  He barely made his weight goal before he left.  Plus, everyone has said that kids who go to Hawaii gain a lot of weight.  He said he had lost more weight once he got to the MTC so I hope he's able to keep it off during his mission.  We went through his room, boxed up stuff he wanted to keep.  He mostly tagged along to where ever I went if he wasn't with friends.

The Countdown

Sunday went pretty smoothly.  I wasn't nearly as emotional as I expected to be.  That afternoon, Stephen and Glade drove to the prison to see Nick.  Stephen said it was good, but awkward.  But at least he got to see him before he left.  That evening we had family dinner and an open house for those who wanted to say goodbye to Stephen.  I know I say it all the time, but we have such great friends!    I let his friends stay until really late because his best friend was leaving the next morning for a job and it would be the last time they saw each other for 2 years.  I can only imagine the emotion that was out in that room as a group of friends faced the fact that their reality was about to change and possibly forever.  I'm a romantic like that.

Monday, we cleaned the upstairs.  I mean really cleaned it.  I know, a strange thing to do on his last days here.  But it felt good and we were all together (including Taylor)  We spent some time packing and weighing his suitcases and printing off necessary documents, etc.  Again, with excitement and this heavy cloud hanging around as well.   I can't even remember what we did that night, weird.

Tuesday (the LAST day)

This was such a strange day.  What do you do on the LAST day you will see someone for two years?  Well, we went to summer movies like we always do.  Then we all went and had pizza for lunch.  Then we went to the temple.  There was a little drama in  Brooklyn losing her temple recommend and now she was the only one who couldn't go.  Turned out alright cuz we had to go home first and sweet Bro. Walker offered to come meet us to get another one for her.    So me,  Dalin, Brooklyn, Rhett, Stephen, Taylor, and Caleb all went to go do baptisms.  The temple was fairly slow that day so we were mostly the only ones there.  Stephen baptized all the kids and I handed out towels.  I was good until something, I don't know what, came over me that reminded me how much I love him and how he was leaving and I lost it.  As he baptized each kid, I sat on the bench wiping my tears on their towels.  The worker next to me kept looking at me out of the corner of her eye.  Stephen would glance up and look at me like "are you Ok?"  I just quietly cried...sort of...at one point I was about to break into a full on sob so I made some weird noise that drew the attention of the worker next to me.  Holy cow, I was a mess.  I went in to tell the girls to meet in the foyer when they were dressed and I could barely talk.  The worker said to Brooklyn after I left "you must have been doing family names."  Brooklyn just let her know that her brother was leaving tomorrow for his mission.  So as I tried to get control of myself, all the temple workers give you that "poor thing" sweet look and that just makes you cry more.  My kids were very sweet about it and Rhett gave me a hug as he came out of the font and so did Stephen.

We got dressed and headed to take Taylor home.  I know Stephen wanted to drive her home himself because this would be their final goodbye, but I didn't think that was a good idea.  But, being the compassionate one that I am, I dropped them off at her house and "ran an errand"  giving them about 15 minutes to say goodbye.  I'm sure it was awful and hard and tears were shed, I've also been there.  We came home, showered, took a short nap and got around for dinner.  Stephen was due to be set apart at 8 pm.  As he came down for dinner, he said his stomach really hurt and he thought he might have a fever.  He only ate a little and took some ibuprofen to feel better.

All the family (immediate) gathered a little early so Glade could give him a father's blessing.  I was still pretty much in control since my outburst in the temple.  We all drove to the Stake Center where Stephen's friends were all waiting.  So I made it as far as the greeting of "how are you Sis Smith?"  Yep, non stop crying for the next hour and a half.  The time in the Stake Pres office was absolutely beautiful.  Stephen sat next to me and held my hand the entire time.  His blessing was perfect, we took some pictures, bore testimonies and gave lots of hugs.  Right after he was set apart, I stood up to hug him and was quickly joined by my children one at a time until we had our traditional big hug going.  All in tears.  Truly a special night.

Right as we were leaving the church, I started sneezing.  I mean continuous sneezing, like a bad allergy attack.  We got home, spent a little bit of time together and were in bed by 11.  Still sneezing.  I took lots of allergy medicine and prayed for relief.  My head already hurt from all the crying, I didn't need allergies on top of it.

The alarm sounded at 4 am.  Stephen came down stairs saying he thought he still had a fever.  He was burning up.  But what do you do?  Gave him more meds, tucked some inside his suit coat and headed out.  I was feeling awful about now.  My head was killing me and my eyes were swollen and puffy.  With how awful I felt, I really thought we might get through the airport without a lot of tears.  I'm pretty sure there weren't any left.  Just before we arrived at the airport (with Taylor and another friend in tow), his fever started to break.  He was all sweaty and hot and feeling miserable.  We got him checked in and went up to the security gate.  It was really awkward.  Do we stand around?  Does he just go?  I was feeling yucky, he was feeling really yucky!  We took some pictures in which he tried to smile and look like he was "there", but his heart just wasn't in it.  When I would hug him, his shirt was damp and he was radiating all this heat... I'm sure he just wanted to go sit down somewhere.  So we took the last pictures and started the process.

The Goodbyes

He hugged everyone, except his "girl" friends.. that's not allowed as a missionary.  When I hugged him, I started to cry.  I thought a few tears will be ok.  This isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  He headed down the isle through the ropes of the security line.  As he got a little ways down, Rhett yells "Stephen! Wait!"  Then runs down to hug him for one last time.  Then the kids all followed suit.  As the last one hugged him I started to panic.  "Stephen! Wait!"  I went for my last hug.  This time the tears flowed.  I didn't want to let go.  But I did, and he continued on through the line.  As he started to show his ID, everything inside me went irrational.  I need to stop this!  If he goes any further, it's over.  He's gone.  I wanted to scream something, tell him to stop, maybe just walk as far as I could next to him.  Something!!  My baby is leaving! I honestly felt like I might throw up right then.  No one warned me of that.  Just as he headed through the metal detector, I yelled his name one last time and as he turned around I flashed him the "i love you" sign in sign language.  Then he turned and left.  I watched him walk through the machine and he was gone.  And I cried.  Hard.  He.  Was.  Gone.  I didn't know it was going to be that hard.  I had someone tell me once that it was the worst day of their life.  She wasn't lying.  It felt awful.  In a beautiful sort of way.

We headed to the car and I continued to cry.  We decided to take the family and all his friends out to breakfast at Ihop.  I cried intermittently through breakfast, but mostly got control.  If I didn't conjure up the image of his back walking through the machine, I was fine.  We got home and went back to bed for a couple of hours.  I had a busy day so there was lots to do to keep me busy.   I continued to think about him, worry about him, wish I could call and check on him.....And life went on.

 And THAT is what it's like to send off a missionary.

She's Humble and Freakin Cute

I'm not really the type to do things just because that's the way they've always been done.  So sending in a teacher gift because you HAVE to, kinda sucks.  She gets a bunch of meaningless crap from 30 students.  Now, some mom's rock and get them really creative expensive things, because they can.  I've always had too many kids to spend that much money on each teacher.  So I've resorted to small things like candles or handsoap.  Maybe bread or chocolate.  This year I just got hand soap from B&B works.  Who doesn't love that?  But to make it meaningful, I told them they had to write their teachers a real letter telling them why they enjoyed school this year.  This is what Katy did: 

the crossed out word is "made"

Bo snuck his soap to school without a letter cuz he said his teacher already made them write one as a homework assignment.  Hmmm. suspicious.  Or genius?

Another Big Step

Stephen went to the temple!  It's kind of tricky because you aren't allowed to go to the temple unless you've graduated, but he only had six days after graduation before he left.  So since Friday was actually his last day of school, they let him go then.  He actually went and took his last final that morning.  It was so awesome having my kids in the temple with me.  I got to sit right across from Stephen so he flashed me a smile often.  Then he and I went in the prayer circle together.  While I was waiting for him to enter the Celestial room, I started to cry thinking about how awesome Heaven will be when you know they'll be there, you're just not sure when.  Person after person came through the door, then it was finally him.  He gave me a big long hug and I was so truly happy.  Both Chelsey and Whitley and their husbands were there too.  We had a few extended family members come with and that's always nice to have that support.  It was just a beautiful day!!

This one is going in a frame for the next two years!

After, we went to Red Robin (Stephen's choice) for an early dinner.  His girlfriend Taylor and our friends the Johnsons joined us as well.  Did I mention how great family is??

Concerts Galore

It's that time of year!  Everyone wants to perform ONE more time!!  Honestly, it's not my favorite part of being a mom.  I don't appreciate choir music and the big performances that include the whole school is a lot of sitting and watching people you don't even know.  Yes, I'm a school concert scrooge.  BUT, I go.  Stephen had his last choir concert (halle frickin lujai)  I seriously dislike his choir director.  So much that I can't even look at him as he talks through the concert. Which is WAY too much, in my opinion.  Anyway, Stephen was awesome and even had a solo.

Then Dalin and Rhett had a concert on the same night. I thought since they were both 2 HOURS long I could catch them both perform.  No such luck.  they performed at the exact same time.  I saw a couple of Rhett's numbers but had to leave before the highest choir sang, which is the good one.  Bummer.  But in transit, I missed some kind of awesome performance by Dalin.  This picture below somewhat sums it up.  They were all singing and supposed to be showing emotion.  You can tell Dalin was the only one doing it.  I even got a text saying how hilarious he was.  I missed it!!  I saw his last song though.  But in my scroogy sort of way....2 hours??  Dalin's choir teacher made a snide remark to them about sitting through a movie for two hours, this shouldn't be that hard.  Ummm, ma'am....that's professional entertainment laced with popcorn and a very large soda!!  Very different.  Luckily I have an awesome Mom who endured it all with me! ♥

Being a Mom is Hard

I'm sure this isn't news to anyone.  You can read all about how the sleepless nights are killer and the diaper changing and the lugging bags and contraptions around is burdensome.  We hear about taxi-ing, the expenses, the over scheduled calendars.  No new news about the sassy teenager and attitudes and hormones.  Those are the HARD things.  Right?  Nope.  I beg to differ.  As my kids have grown, I've decided those seem to be the easy things.  What no one seems to write an article on his how you can look at a kid and love them so much your heart wants to burst and tears sting your eyes.  But the very next moment you are so angry or frustrated you want to wring their neck.  Or how your heart breaks when a kid can't see their potential and wastes precious opportunities. How about when you are so proud of them that your mind can't wrap around how YOU managed to raise a kid that awesome.  And then doubt everything you've ever done wondering if anything you did even made a difference.  Then there's the time when you're too exhausted to fight the battle anymore and you shrink in defeat.  Only to have another child need you to stand up and be strong at the very same time.  Ever read an article about that?  Every so often in the middle of all the chaos, one of those sweet little ones recognizes your weakness and tries to be strong for you with their hugs and kisses and reassurances of their love.  Maybe even on a rare occasion one might admit they were wrong and totally surprise you by making it right....starting with a hug in your closet.   And that makes you cry too.  How is the human heart capable of so much?  Conflicting and contradictory emotions flowing freely and without restraint.  Where are the advice columns warning of these things?  Maybe it's because by the time you get to this point in motherhood, you can look at those beautiful young moms toting babies and celebrating a 6 hour stretch of sleep, and look back with a smile remembering when you thought that was as hard as it was ever going to be.  Besides, some things are just not really explainable to someone who hasn't been there.  Maybe it's like trying to describe what salt tastes like.  Being a Mom is hard, really hard.  But it's the best thing I've ever done.  I'll take all the hard moments just to experience the great ones.  Cuz when they're great, they're really great....even in the closet. ♥

Dance Performance

The dance program at my kids school is amazing.  Still, the concerts can be a bit long.  Both  Brooklyn and Rhett take social dance and Rhett is on the back up ball room team.  Wednesdays concert was nice, but long and sitting on the bleachers is never comfortable.  But I am always impressed with what they are able to do.  She does a really good job with them.  The next three nights were the ball room showcase.  I never think three nights of the same school performance is a good thing.  I had already told her he couldn't be there for Saturday's performance since it was Prom and he's already been there three other nights.  I can get a bit snippity when I'm annoyed.  Friday was the only night I could go, so Mom and I went after the girls night dinner.  Cost me $10 bucks to get in, but what a wonderful show!  I was seriously dreading it.  I mean,  a lot. I'd already seen it all on Wednesday.  How different could it be.   Way different!  These kids were amazing and could do all sorts of really tricky things.  After the very first number the Ball room team did, I leaned over to mom and told her Rhett would need to buff up if he ever wanted to do this cuz they were picking up girls and spinning and dipping all over the place.  Then his group came on and did the same things.  I had no idea he could do any of that!  I was just truly amazed.  The whole thing was beautiful. For some reason, blogger won't let me upload the video.. grrr.

These are pics from Wednesday night's performance.  

Rhett and Brooklyn both tried out for the ball room team this week.  Neither one made it.  Rhett made back up team again which really upset him.  I honestly have to believe there's some underlying reason she didn't choose him.  I saw them perform, he's good!  And I'm pretty good about seeing my kids how they really are. I'm aware when they suck.  I know how Rhett is and maybe she sees his hot/cold side and didn't want to deal with it or maybe it's because his mom was a brat and pulled him from Saturday's performance. I don't know, but it doesn't make any sense and really upset him.  Rejection feels like crap.